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Family dynamics can
really be challenged as aging parents
need more help from their adult children.
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The relationship dynamics of
family drastically shift over time.
Children, once dependent on their parents, grow and mature to
adults. Parents grow too and eventually
reach an age where they need to depend more upon their adult children. This
tends to cause a considerable amount of stress and anxiety for all
involved. On average more than half of elderly
over 85 need help with their daily life. It would seem natural that family would provide much of the
care their elderly loved ones need. Yet many elderly and their adult children have
difficulties finding a working balance between independence and providing
care.
Independence is a deeply
ingrained part of the American psyche.
It is revered just as dependency is looked down upon. Many older Americans refuse to accept help, even
from their adult children for fear of being dependent and a burden. Yet this
deprives the elderly of needed assistance that promotes longevity and health as
well as the opportunity for grown children to care for the ones who once cared and
provided for them.
Most societies across the globe
care for their aged within the family and only turn to outside caregivers in
cases where medical issues demand it. In
other cultures, generations of families co-exist, often in the same home,
providing support and care for each family member as needed.
The multi-generational American
family could greatly benefit from becoming more interdependent. But to
achieve interdependence in a healthy way, families must rise above some common
hindrances.
Filial maturity
Adult children need to accept
their parents as individuals, recognizing their personal needs and goals and
accept their imperfections as well as positive qualities. Filial maturity means relating to and
supporting aging parents in an adult way and requires understanding, patience
and respect of their stage in life.
Parental maturity
Elderly parents need to accept
their adult children as adults. They
need to rise above deep-rooted attitudes of being in control and graciously
accept help from the younger generation.
Acknowledge loss
Both elderly parents and adult
children need to come to terms with the loss that is part of aging. The elderly
experience many losses. The loss of status, health, financial security, spouse
and friends can cause despair and needs to be recognized by the family. The
children of an elder experience a sense of loss too, as the parents they once
knew and depended upon progresses through the aging process. Recognizing that loss as part of the circle of
life instead of battling against it can help ease the transitions as
relationships with in the family continue to change.
Mixed expectations
The elderly and their adult
children often have different agendas of what is important and requires
assistance. The adult children worry about practical cares and safety issues. They see help with bathing, food preparation
and the prevention of falls as important.
Where the elderly are more interested in getting help with bureaucratic
issues like managing health care or financial paperwork and can take offence at
being offered help with daily needs. Having different agendas causes stress and can
result in misunderstandings, anger and hurt feelings. When the elder parents and the adult children
openly communicate their concerns and expectations there is a much better chance
at a smooth relationships.
Avoid role reversal
Assisting
a parent with bathing and dressing or taking over their decision making roles can
be uncomfortable for both generations. Elderly
often resent and resist being treated as a child and adult children miss having
their parents be parents. A role
reversal is not easy or healthy for either generation. There are times when the adult children will
have to make difficult decisions on behalf of their parents, but in general it
is best to keep family roles intact. The elderly, no matter how frail, should
maintain control of their own decisions as long as possible and the adult
children need to respect their parent’s desires.
Bring in help
Hire a home health Caregiver to
provide services for your elderly parents at home. An extra pair of helping
hands will take care of the daily tasks and intimate cares that often cause
conflict between the generations. Getting help inside the home works to
maintain healthy boundaries and relationships in the family and can make a
world of difference in having healthy interdependence with aging parents.
Kate McCarthy is Director of Operations for HomeAid Health
Care which provides services for the elderly who wish to remain safe and
independent at home. HomeAid is sister
company to Prairie Home Assisted Living which has served the physical,
spiritual, mental and health needs of their residents since 1999. Together the two companies provide comprehensive
care for the elderly in the Fox Valley of Wisconsin.
Sources:
“As
Parents Age, Family Will Have Role Reversal” by Dr. David Lipschitz. Retrieved
from www.creators.com,
10/15/12.
“Building
Positive Relationships”, Texas A&M Agrilife Extensions Service. Retrieved
from www.fcs.tamu.edu.com,
10/15/12.
“’Parenting” Your Elderly Parents’ by Family
Caregiver Alliance. Retrieved from www.familycaregiveralliance.com,
10/15/12.
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