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Having the
conversation can be
upsetting to
both generations
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The holidays are over and you have
enjoyed spending quality time with your loved ones. During your visit you noticed that your
mother was often confused and needed a lot more help than she did the last you
were together. Doubt and worry about her ability to live alone are your
constant companions now as it is obvious that her safety has become an issue.
While debating the possible
options you realize that home health care would solve the problem. She could
remain at home and have a professional Caregiver come daily to check on her,
remind her to take her medications, and help out with the household
chores. The Caregiver could
drive her to appointments, supervise showers and generally be there when you
can’t. You want to talk to her about
bringing a home health Caregiver into the home, but dread starting a
disagreement.
How
to talk to your loved ones about getting help:
What to understand:
Most elderly take great pride in their independence. The idea of having a Caregiver come to the
home is embarrassing to them. It is a
sign that they cannot manage alone any longer.
Although they logically understand they will need help someday, most don’t
believe that day is now. Often
introducing the use of home health as getting just “a little extra help” around
the house is a more acceptable approach.
Mentioning that a Caregiver will do the cleaning and help with the
laundry makes the use of outside help a little less threatening. Once your aging loved one is used to having
someone come into the home and that Caregiver has becomes a familiar companion,
accepting help from them in other areas is not such an issue. Typically home health Caregivers provide a
wide range of services including housekeeping, laundry, meal preparation, medication
reminders, help with personal cares and transportation. A good Caregiver never infringes on their
Client’s independence but works in the background to help when needed.
How
to start:
Start a general conversation and be very tactful. Raise questions about the care of the
house. Just remarking that it must be
difficult keeping up such a large place could guide the conversation along the
right track. Most elderly are well aware
that the care of the home may be slipping.
Avoid statements that can cause your loved one to become defensive. Instead, ask if there is anything you can do
to help. If there is a lot of resistance
to just talking about it, you might want to wait a bit to mention the idea of
home care. Gently mention your concerns
and ask what possible solutions might be considered. Ask for her ideas of what they would like to
do.
Avoid Elder Speak:
Your parents are not your children and
will not respond well if you speak to them in a
controlling manner. You may be
convinced you have found the solution, but announcing what you have decided is
disrespectful and will hinder the entire process. The last thing you want is your loved one to react
negatively to your decision and that may taint relationships with you and any
Caregiver who comes to the house. Don’t
dictate what needs to happen, but allow your loved one to see the logic of your
suggestion. It is much better to include
them in the conversation and really listen to their desires.
Listen:
Adult children of aging parents are busy and often
think things need to happen on their schedule.
The elderly operate at a much slower pace. Waiting quietly and patiently for an elderly
parent to think things over can be difficult.
Listen to what is said and try to understand their anxiety and fear of
change. Let the idea of accepting help
settle a bit and after some time re-approach the idea. A hard sell or nagging about using home
health rarely works and since the goal is providing safety and independence at
home, most elderly will soon realize that it is the preferred option to moving
to an institution.
Kate McCarthy is Director of
Operations for HomeAid Health Care which provides services for the elderly who
wish to remain safe and independent at home.
HomeAid is sister company to Prairie Home Assisted Living which has
served the physical, spiritual, mental and health needs of their residents
since 1999. Together the two companies provide
comprehensive care for the elderly in the Fox Valley area of Wisconsin.
