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Caring for
aging parents can revive
relationship
troubles between siblings.
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You grew up together. You learned, played and fought together as
children and were the best of friends and the worst of enemies all at the same
time. You know your brothers and sisters well but now that your aging parents
need their children to actively help them, you may find working with your
siblings to be far more difficult than you ever imagined.
Martha‘s mother recently passed away.
When looking back at the whole experience, Martha could say she was now
at peace with it but deeply regretted the relationship damage that took place
with her brother and sisters during the months leading up to her mother’s
death. Conflicts over large and small issues
drove a deep wedge between the siblings.
There was bickering over medications and doctor appointments. There was squabbling over spending time with
mom. There was quarreling over who was
to help with specific tasks. There were
out and out fights over expenses. It was like all the adults in the family
reverted back to childhood battle lines and no one was fighting fair.
United in crisis
Ideally, siblings will unite and work together to care for their
parents when they are ill or become too frail to care for themselves. Yet in real life it is often a crisis that suddenly
forces siblings to unite to provide care for an aging loved one. These
crisis situations trigger a lot of family friction. Conflicts are made worse by brother and
sister’s fine-tuned ability to push each other buttons and relive childhood
rivalries. Arguments over care sap the
strength out of the family at the time when their parents need them to work
together. It is also very upsetting to
the aging parents who depend on their children for help.
To avoid conflicts siblings need to face the fact early on that they
will someday be called on to care for their aging parents. Preventing disputes over how best to provide
that care is ideally done long before any care is needed. Sitting down with parents before any care
issues arise and discussing the realities of aging is the first step to keeping
the family intact and working together through the care years later on.
Talk it out ahead of
time
Long before the need exists, when the adult children are in their 40’s
and the aging parents are roughly in their early 70’s, have a serious talk
about the future. Gather the family and
openly discuss the possible scenarios of the parent’s future care needs. It may feel premature and a bit morbid to
discuss your loved one’s mortality, but it is foolish to pretend they will not
age or face health issues someday. Most
people avoid this uncomfortable discussion and wait until a crisis forces the
issue and then they must make quick decisions which often lead to mistakes,
conflicts and frustration. It is wise to
talk about the parent’s wishes and how they could be honored so the entire
family has a framework for the future.
Having a general care plan in place will go a long way if a crisis hits
and also will serve to lay the ground work for future long term care.
Figure out who will
do what
Recognizing off the bat that the division of labor will never be
perfectly fair, discuss among the siblings who could do which tasks and how
much money each would be willing to pitch in to pay for care if necessary. Try to roughly divide up the responsibilities
according to ability. Sketch out a game
plan that all members of the family can theoretically agree to. Don’t assume
that since you were all raised in the same family that you naturally agree on
what is best for mom and dad. There will
be some emotionally intense moments when you will not agree at all and these
will test your bond as siblings, so try to define roles and rules ahead of time
to ward off extra conflict.
Gather all the
important documents
The sibling(s) with strong organizational and finance skills should be
appointed the Power of Attorney for finances by the parents. Everyone in the family should have a clear
understanding of under what situations that power would be activated and what
tasks the Power of Attorney will take care of.
This sibling should know where all the money and accounts are kept as
well as all the insurance and investment paperwork. Once activated, the POA of
finance should gather the titles to the house and cars, safety deposit boxes,
keys and passwords for all accounts. They should review any long term care
insurance and all other insurance policies your parents have set up and
understand the fine print about what is covered and how it will be covered. The sibling in charge of finances will take
care of organizing all the important paperwork, arrange the payments for all
bills and should keep the rest of the family informed. The POA of finances will become knowledgeable
about their parent’s financial details and be able to manage the available money
to cover care and end of life costs.
They will be responsible for exploring public assistance options if the
funds run short.
Health Care Decisions
As parents age, their health care becomes an increasing concern. From managing their medications and doctor
appointments, to helping with mild cognitive issues to working out end of life
care, the amount of decisions can be overwhelming. The sibling who has been appointed POA of
health care will have their hands full once their power has been activated. If the aging parents were clear about their
health care directives and where they wish to be when full time care is needed,
then the many decisions will not be such a major source of stress. Yet even with clear guidelines in place there
will be many health care issues where conflicting opinions between siblings cause
stain. One family set a rule that the
sibling present at the moment gets to make the decision and, once made, it
cannot be second guessed. Even though
all agreed to this rule in the beginning, the siblings found it quite difficult
to abide by. Again, it is having a clear
understanding of the roles and rules between siblings that make the care years
easier to manage.
With long term family ties, a little grace will go a long way,
especially when stressful situations demand a unified working cooperation. Know ahead of time that all decisions
regarding the aging loved ones will not be unanimously accepted but agree to
disagree nicely for the sake of the parents and future family relationships.
Kate McCarthy is Director of Operations for HomeAid Health
Care which provides services for the elderly who wish to remain safe and
independent at home. HomeAid is sister
company to Prairie Home Assisted Living which has served the physical,
spiritual, mental and health needs of their residents since 1999. Together the two companies provide
comprehensive care for the elderly in the Fox Valley area of Wisconsin.
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