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Knowing what to expect can make it easier.
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Providing care for an elderly
loved one feels like the right thing to do.
Often family members grow into the role of Caregiver as their aging
parents need more and more help. A bit
of yard work in the fall, help with spring cleaning, driving to doctor appointments
and weekly trips to the supermarket are easy to accommodate and most families
are happy to have the opportunity to help.
It is when the need for help becomes
daily or reaches a point when your elderly loved one isn’t safe living on their
own any longer, that families need to make some hard decisions. Families will often slide into becoming their
loved one’s full time Caregiver and then they find themselves providing care
for their own young family and their aging parents.
The
Sandwich Generation
A term coined by Carol Abaya in the early 1990’s, the
Sandwich Generation describes those in their 50s or 60s who are sandwiched providing
care for their aging parents and their adult children and grandchildren. It is
a challenging time period for these people as they have demands on their energy
and resources from everyone in their family.
Many start out enthusiastic and excited about being able to give back to
the one who had raised them, only to become burned out and bitterly
disappointed at how their relationships, quality of life and energy levels have
been destroyed.
For those who decide to take on the many responsibilities and
demands of becoming the Caregiver for their aging loved ones, there are some
basic tips which might make providing care easier
Know that you will have to make hard
choices
Many don’t realize when they start out as family Caregivers that they
are now have taken on the responsibility to make another person’s
decisions. Many times this makes the
Caregiver the least favorite person in the family. Having to decide on an endless list of health
care issues, finances and quality of life decisions can be exhausting, but it
is often compounded by your loved one not agreeing with what you think is best. Siblings often add their 2 cents, making basic
decisions a multi-leveled negotiation. Many elderly will resist getting input
into major decisions believing their independence is being infringed on. Often they are slow to consider the options
and will put making any type of choice permanently on hold. It is frustrating for those who provide care
to be patient and respectful especially when deadlines are looming.
It is wise to have major decisions already determined before they
become an issue. Sit down with your
aging loved one and discuss how they want their affairs handled long before
they can no longer manage themselves. Your
loved ones can set up directives early which will take the pressure off of you
to decide for them later in life. Life
is much easier when medical directives are in place, the will has been made,
Power of Attorney for finances and health are set up and end-of-life choices
have been decided.
Know that caring for an elderly parent is not like caring
for a child
Remember that your aging loved one has lived an entire life before you
even came into existence, so treating them as if they were another child is disrespectful
and demeaning. Expect there will be
times when their behavior is as stubborn as a toddler’s, but do not respond as
you would to a child. Instead try to
find out what is going on and give them the time to discuss their concerns and
fears. Do not expect your loved one to
easily adapt to your schedule and ways of doing things. They are probably pretty set in their ways and
have every right to be so. Also remember
that they crave adult interaction and need to be included in your family’s
normal life and activities, even if doing so requires a lot of extra effort on
your part. The last thing you want is to
have them feel as if their presence is a burden and that they are isolated and
lonely and just taking up space in your home.
Know that providing care can be uncomfortably embarrassing
Understand that as your loved ones continue to age, their need for
assistance with personal care will increase.
This can cause embarrassment for both generations. Helping with showering, dressing and
toileting can be weird for the adult children of aging parents, but after a few
times it will feel less awkward. Trouble
with incontinence and loss of body functions can make everyone cringe and for
some it is just easier on relationships to have a professional Caregiver come
in a couple times a week to help with personal cares.
Know that providing care will affect your other
relationships
Being a Caregiver is a very demanding job. It requires a servant’s heart at all times
and usually without any recognition or thanks.
Most often it is the women in the family who take on this role in
addition to all their other duties and responsibilities. Being stretched to the limit, the family Caregiver
will find relationships on all sides bearing the brunt of frustrations, exhaustion
and weariness. Interaction between the aging parents and adult children can become
strained, as well relationships with everyone else in the family. People often imagine having multiple generations
under the same roof will be wonderful, especially for the younger
children. They fail to realize that the
aging have limited tolerance for noise and commotion and would prefer some
space from the younger members of the family.
Know that doctors are interested in prolonging life, not
the quality of life
Doctors will be a primary source of information and help as your loved
one’s health needs increase. They are
kind, caring and committed to your loved one’s well being, but their main
concern is dealing with the physical concerns that prolong life. This
most likely will result in more and more prescriptions for medications, endless
office visits and lots of tests. As the
family Caregiver, your job will be to facilitate the doctor orders, to manage
the medications and interface between physicians. It will fall on you to become your loved one’s
advocate for health care concerns. Yet your
primary concern should be about making the final years and months comfortable and
enjoyable. Most elderly are far more
concerned about quality of life over longevity and if often falls on the family
Caregiver to ensure the quality of life through social interaction,
conversation, easy projects and just being there to listen.
Know that you will need help
Being a family Caregiver can be difficult and stressful, especially
when providing care for an aging loved one is sandwiched in with all the other
demands of life. While in the midst of
providing care, life can get so busy that it is difficult to see the toll that it
takes on your energy, relationships and family.
Most families eventually realize that they need help. Finding a professional Caregiver to come into
the home a couple times a week makes an enormous difference. Respite Care is another option that allows
family Caregiver to get away and unwind.
Families often naively believe that they can provide care for their
aging loved ones with minimal stress or stain on their lives. Since the end goal is enjoying a close and
loving relationship with their aging loved ones, knowing what to expect can
make it easier to avoid stressful problems for the entire family.
Kate McCarthy is Director of
Operations for HomeAid Health Care which provides services for the elderly who
wish to remain safe and independent at home.
HomeAid is sister company to Prairie Home Assisted Living which has
served the physical, spiritual, mental and health needs of their residents
since 1999. Together the two companies provide
comprehensive care for the elderly in the Fox Valley area of Wisconsin.
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